Has it been that long?

Sorry I've been so bad at posting on my blog. I'm excited to see people finally reading it. Hopefully that will motivate me to post more often. Breaking pornography addiction is the most difficult thing I've accomplished in my life and I hope to continue posting about it to help others achieve the same.

Back to the Beginning

Time to start over...AGAIN. Hopefully this time I'll be more successful. I've decided to break my efforts down into ten-day periods. 18 ten-day periods will help me hit my 180 days. Today is day one of my first ten-day period.

I realized that if my effort is only to get rid of my bad habit, I leave an empty space for another bad habit or for a lost bad habit to come back to. I've found some good habits that I'm going to create in effort to replace the bad habits I'm trying to lose. One of those habits is to blog on here every morning, right after I wake up so I don't get distracted by something else and not get it done.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

It's so frustrating when I have a great idea and then don't follow through. I think that all of a sudden I've come up with the best solution... and maybe I have, but because I don't follow through, I fall again!

Today I visited a porn site that I used to view regularly. Why would I even type that into my web browser? BECAUSE I LOST FOCUS! This blog was set up to help me maintain that focus, but it will only be effective if I frequently post my thoughts and feelings on the blog.

I feel so stupid. I feel so scared. I feel so angry. Each time I slip, I'm that much closer to my wife finally giving up and divorcing me. I couldn't live with that. I couldn't live without her or my kids. I have to succeed. I WILL SUCCEED.

Busy Weekend

By keeping myself busy with family during this past holiday weekend, I had no issues with pornography. As I mentioned in my last post, the times where I struggle are the times where my mind is bored. There were a few times where I found myself just sitting to relax, then I realized that I was just sitting - though it wasn't on purpose, I did notice myself avoiding "just sitting" this last weekend and it seems to have had a positive effect. - 3 days down, 177 to go.

1 down, 179 to go!

Typically, after committing myself to quit, the first week is the easiest. Yesterday was no different, but I will admit that when I signed onto my computer this morning, I got distracted from writing this post and didn't do it right away. After looking at some emails and checking some other things
on the web, my mind started to drift and the thought of looking at porn did enter my mind. Luckily, I shut it out fast enough and then remembered that my initial intent in getting on the computer this morning was to write.

It seems that my mind goes through a similar process each time I view pornography. It starts when my mind is bored, when I'm just sitting around. The thought of viewing enters my mind, and I then entertain thoughts about what I'd like to see. Once I start entertaining those thoughts, it's very difficult to get them out of my mind and I end up visiting internet sites and viewing images that I should not.

I need to work more on keeping my mind BUSY!

I'm quitting pornography

I have been addicted to pornography for several years - in fact, half of my life I've been viewing pornography. Because it is so offensive and so selfish in nature, I have tried to quit numerous times. I've made attempts with help from counselors, pastors, family members and friends... but nothing works.

The one thing that seems to help me last the longest without pornography is keeping some type of record of my progress. That's why I'm finally making my first blog. Who knows, if I can get over this porn addiction, I'll probably find something more worthy of blogging. Until then, I hope that someone may find my thoughts on here and perhaps find them useful in their own efforts to become porn free.

Please post your thoughts and feelings on the matter, as your advise may help me along the way. I named my blog "180 degrees, 180 days" because I feel that to truly make this a permanant change in my life, I will need to make it 180 days porn free - I think that's the longest I've ever gone without viewing pornography.

Because I just viewed pornography, day one will be tomorrow... wish me luck!